Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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