Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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