No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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