Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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