if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
