All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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