Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
