R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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