I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
