I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
