yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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