Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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