That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
