My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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