Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
