Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
