I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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