I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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