moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
