i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
