i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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