i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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