apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Drake has all the answers
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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