Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
