i think my tv is drunk
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
