Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
We are all done wearing pants today
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
