i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
