I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
