I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
