Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
