I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Randomize
