got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
