I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Randomize
