i don't plan on having that self control this summer
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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