Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
dude i'm inner monologue high
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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