Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
