dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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