My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
