Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
