I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
We need to rekindle our bromance
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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