There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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