Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
