I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
