I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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