i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Boobs speak an international language.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
