guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I did not marry a roomba.
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