Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
