I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Less talking, more tequila
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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