i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize