Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
