I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
