she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
