is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
