I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
