you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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