hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
