We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
