regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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