4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
