if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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