my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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