its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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