Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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