meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
