Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
