He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
