I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
operation harelip BJ is a go
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
