im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
