My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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